I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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