I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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