i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
if only i could text you this smell
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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