I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
