We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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