My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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