Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
