I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
