you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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