It's a beautiful day for a hangover
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
