It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
