I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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