ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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