matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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