Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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