Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
