Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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