He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
