new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
