dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
