The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
