I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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