Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
