Where is the hickey?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
