also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
