I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
