He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He passed out mid-signature
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Randomize
