I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
