I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
