I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
