Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
