Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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