I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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