Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
