apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
