mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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