He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
