you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You need Xanax blowdarts
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
