3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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