a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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