I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
