i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Randomize
