You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
