I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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