Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
