It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
