Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
