Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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