"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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