a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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