I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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