dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
