it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
